also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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