Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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