my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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