Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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