The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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