there's paper in my vomit.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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