I am spending my child support on dildos
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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