I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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