false alarm. still invincible.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize