Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
