it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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