while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This is the high leading the old right now
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
