i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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