I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
