I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
