I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
