listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
