Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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