4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
