Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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