someone threw a dead crab at me
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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