my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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