He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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