So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
