I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
