omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
