If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
