i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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