Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
