New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
