i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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