I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the day after is always just damage control
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
