my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
