he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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