i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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