She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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