Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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