i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
