Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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