So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
