I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
