My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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