I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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