I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
MIDGETS
????
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
