idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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