So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
