hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
