I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
