you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
