Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My feet surprised me
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