Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
