Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think I sprained my soul last night
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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