i came on her dog
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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