im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
