There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
