I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
