Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
