I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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