u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My pussy is not your playground.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
third nipple confirmed
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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