Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
